Dear Friend,

Becoming more mindful of my thought process and catching self-destructive behaviours, is like Releasing the Hounds. I know I am a strong woman, but this is a force to reckoned with.
When I want something, or have an idea, I'm in drive with no sense of direction. I have no idea whether I'm going left or right. ----It's like a drug----

this happens when i go shopping....only to return the stuff I've bought because i felt guilty and it was pleasurable getting my money back---i had made the right choice----only i did this nearly everyday for months. bought and returned, bought and returned....

I've spent hundreds of dollars on healthy foods, memberships, video's, fitness equipment----DIET PILLS
i can walk 30ft and be in a fully equipped gym, that is most likely empty....but i' don't.

i have days on my own when i would rather close all the blinds and sleep all day. i can go days without doing anything. when will i figure this out?

Dear Friend,

I get these episodes, where in an instant my mind is 'SNAP, SNAP, SNAP! GO, GO, GO! BZZZZZZZZ!'

I'm trying to do a handful of household stuff, a handful of mum stuff, thinking of finance, housing, investments, employment school registration, daycare transfers....
pizza sauce on the floor, shreddies as far as the eye can see, I have to pee, haven't had a coffee, whining-----fighting------laughing, stepping on diapers or mushed banana.
What are we doing today? What groceries do we need?

I can feel my patience run thin, and feeling slightly flushed. My eyes literally are scanning the room I'm in, to the point that I almost can't even see where I'm going.

ALL IN AN INSTANT!....this happens almost everyday.

Although this is enough stress to lose your cap in a New York minute, i does get easier.
Some and most times, I lose a cap. But every now and then, I can stop, close my eyes and just fucking breath.

If I can accomplish this on occasion, then in time it will come naturally.

Dear Friend,

After a lifetime of searching to find out who I am and where I fit in, will I ever really know? When our life begins we're born with a temperament that is unique to oneself. If this temperament consisted of compassion, jealousy and empathy....figuratively speaking, growing up we might need tuning to create balance. However, how will we learn to do so? Who will teach us?
It's said that if certain parts of your brain are not stimulated, they will get lazy causing them to weaken and eventually die.
If I was never given the opportunity to nurture my temperament with balance, then could I really be who I am meant to be?

I have been diagnosed with BPD (borderline personality disorder).
It unfortunately makes so much sense :O(

Who am I?

Dear Friend

I finally figured out what I would like to study. I have been accepted to Everest College for their Medical Lab Tech and cannot wait to get started. I got all my doccuments together, figured a schedule that is do-able with my family and then my loan fell through.
I feel like I am back to square one...urgh. How am I goin to figure this one out. I had a previous loan that I fully intend on repaying, but I thought I would be able to continue studies and add it to my existing debt. Aparently, there is much more to it than that. I'll keep you posted, but as it stands I'll be heading back to being a stay-at-home mom.

Dear Friend

I have been all over the place and not like travelling to exotic places, but instability everywhere. I am sick of moving all the time and uprooting my family: it breaks my heart. Now that Olivia will be starting school, I don't want her to make friends and then lose them. It's not fun to be the new girl over and over. I have always looked at relocating as a fresh start, but it's not fresh at all. I am so impulsive that I don't even think about what our family needs in a location. It's not easy to figure this out.
Being born and raised all over Ottawa nearly my whole life, makes it difficult to for me to settle in one spot. I always manage to find something wrong and can talk or write my way out of nearly anything. I feel like when things are going good I can accept the current situation, but if something falls slightly out of place I have to urge to flip EVERYTHING around. I don't like to sit in my set backs, who does? I know set backs are normal and the average family experience many, but how is it that my set backs throw me in a tail spin that I struggle so hard to get out of. I want so badly to be successful, and have a cozy home and well cared for children. It it too much to expect all of this for my life? I don't think so. Aparently I actually expect much more, but get so overwhelmed by everything I hope to accomplish that I can't even stick to one of them.
I need to pull it together. I think I might be becoming lazy or too dependant on other people. I need to grow up.