Becoming more mindful of my thought process and catching self-destructive behaviours, is like Releasing the Hounds. I know I am a strong woman, but this is a force to reckoned with.
When I want something, or have an idea, I'm in drive with no sense of direction. I have no idea whether I'm going left or right. ----It's like a drug----
this happens when i go shopping....only to return the stuff I've bought because i felt guilty and it was pleasurable getting my money back---i had made the right choice----only i did this nearly everyday for months. bought and returned, bought and returned....
I've spent hundreds of dollars on healthy foods, memberships, video's, fitness equipment----DIET PILLS
i can walk 30ft and be in a fully equipped gym, that is most likely empty....but i' don't.
i have days on my own when i would rather close all the blinds and sleep all day. i can go days without doing anything. when will i figure this out?
Sunday, 10 April 2011
Saturday, 9 April 2011
Dear Friend,
I get these episodes, where in an instant my mind is 'SNAP, SNAP, SNAP! GO, GO, GO! BZZZZZZZZ!'
I'm trying to do a handful of household stuff, a handful of mum stuff, thinking of finance, housing, investments, employment school registration, daycare transfers....
pizza sauce on the floor, shreddies as far as the eye can see, I have to pee, haven't had a coffee, whining-----fighting------laughing, stepping on diapers or mushed banana.
What are we doing today? What groceries do we need?
I can feel my patience run thin, and feeling slightly flushed. My eyes literally are scanning the room I'm in, to the point that I almost can't even see where I'm going.
ALL IN AN INSTANT!....this happens almost everyday.
Although this is enough stress to lose your cap in a New York minute, i does get easier.
Some and most times, I lose a cap. But every now and then, I can stop, close my eyes and just fucking breath.
If I can accomplish this on occasion, then in time it will come naturally.
I'm trying to do a handful of household stuff, a handful of mum stuff, thinking of finance, housing, investments, employment school registration, daycare transfers....
pizza sauce on the floor, shreddies as far as the eye can see, I have to pee, haven't had a coffee, whining-----fighting------laughing, stepping on diapers or mushed banana.
What are we doing today? What groceries do we need?
I can feel my patience run thin, and feeling slightly flushed. My eyes literally are scanning the room I'm in, to the point that I almost can't even see where I'm going.
ALL IN AN INSTANT!....this happens almost everyday.
Although this is enough stress to lose your cap in a New York minute, i does get easier.
Some and most times, I lose a cap. But every now and then, I can stop, close my eyes and just fucking breath.
If I can accomplish this on occasion, then in time it will come naturally.
Saturday, 2 April 2011
Dear Friend,
After a lifetime of searching to find out who I am and where I fit in, will I ever really know? When our life begins we're born with a temperament that is unique to oneself. If this temperament consisted of compassion, jealousy and empathy....figuratively speaking, growing up we might need tuning to create balance. However, how will we learn to do so? Who will teach us?
It's said that if certain parts of your brain are not stimulated, they will get lazy causing them to weaken and eventually die.
If I was never given the opportunity to nurture my temperament with balance, then could I really be who I am meant to be?
I have been diagnosed with BPD (borderline personality disorder).
It unfortunately makes so much sense :O(
Who am I?
It's said that if certain parts of your brain are not stimulated, they will get lazy causing them to weaken and eventually die.
If I was never given the opportunity to nurture my temperament with balance, then could I really be who I am meant to be?
I have been diagnosed with BPD (borderline personality disorder).
It unfortunately makes so much sense :O(
Who am I?
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